The Path

My husband suggested that I keep a journal of our pregnancy.  My blog is pretty much a journal, but I figured I’d add this to the journal in finding out about being pregnant.

It wasn’t long ago that I told my cousin, Holly, “I wanted to have time to learn to cook and do things with the garden and wished for more creative time.  I sure didn’t think God would send it to me in the manner of unemployment!” (My cousin quoted me in an article that she submitted about the positive take on unemployment.)

I’ve worked since I was 16.  This is the first time I’ve ever been unemployed and it was difficult for me to adjust to at first.  I’m still applying for jobs and I’m currently training myself into a different career path that will bring me a great deal of joy in film editing.  But I also took the time to do the things I had wished to do when I was working, such as cooking, gardening, beading, etc.

I figured this was the path God wanted me on and I was up for the walk.  He shook up the constant in my life, letting me see that there’s life to be enjoyed, and not to be stressed over.  Only, God wasn’t just talking about the flowers I loved growing in the garden or finding a career I enjoy.  The path for me wasn’t complete just yet…

The old saying, “When God closes a door, He opens a window.”  I thought the windows were time for things I wanted to do and time to find a new career path…  God opened a door that I thought was closed, locked and bolted shut many, many years ago.

Every possible sign, I had an explanation for:

Missed period – I thought, “I must be starting menopause.”

Upset stomach – I get sinus drips and that often causes upset stomachs for me

Dizziness – sometimes comes with high blood pressure, not often, but it does happen

Incredibly Tired – this one made me question if I was going into a depression about being unemployed and didn’t even realize it.

The specialist said, over a year and a half ago, that we only had a 2 percent chance of having a baby.  We even looked into IVF, but it would have to be with a donor egg.. Our state doesn’t do anonymous donor eggs, so we’d then have to go to a different state.  The cost would be 30-40,000 with only a 60 percent chance of working.  My husband and I decided we could be happy with just the two of us and that it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for us to have children.  (And my husband added, “It’s too clinical.  Just let nature do its thing.”)

The only sign that threw me for a loop and made me purchase a pregnancy test was when my sense of smell became bionic.  I was still shocked and in disbelief when it showed positive.  We weren’t “trying” (yes we were enjoying :) but we certainly didn’t think we could conceive..  I can’t imagine how much my blood pressure spiked and how thrilled and scared I was in those first few moments of reading the test results.

Even my doctor called it a miracle pregnancy.  It’s a “normal” pregnancy in that we didn’t take any fertility chemicals, but because of my age and such a small chance of being able to get pregnant, it’s also called a “spontaneous” pregnancy. 

I’m still scared, at 11 weeks pregnant, truth be told.  I hold on to the joy of this moment, but am still afraid, because 14 years ago, I had a miscarriage.  I pray and I ask for prayers for our baby.  Each time I’ve seen the doctor and they do the ultrasound, I listen for the heartbeat and then I feel my body relax.  Hope and fear is an odd combination.  But it’s worth it. 

I know if I were still working for the former employer, I would still be incredibly stressed day in and day out.  God knew what my body needed and He planned things in a way I could least expect and a path I didn’t know was even possible.

Sending prayers and being thankful, for our little miracle baby growing and this path that God has opened to us.